When I Wake Up at 3am/ I Need Someone to Be Lonely With...

Has it really been since April since I last updated? Dear lord.This will be a lengthy blog, but it's worth it.

And now the topic:

I was sitting in my office the other day listening to the Brad Yoder Pandora station. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mr. Yoder, he is a singer-songwriter from Pittsburgh whose music played an integral part in my teenage years. Listening to the station prompted me to go home and search for all of my Yoder cds, which I couldn't find so had to purchase on iTunes (much to the chagrin of my sweet, sweet husband).

Here's what's I remember from high school. I remember congregating at the Daily Grind Coffeehouse on Friday nights with my circle of best friends, thinking that all of us would be friends forever but realizing later how untrue that would be for some of us. Yoder would play on Friday nights what seemed like every month and we would all go every single time, the same crowd of 20 or so. We knew all the songs, could sing harmonies, and found happiness in our little piece of time so connected to each other and separate from everyone else.

I remember Maria Cancro always requesting "Wake the Dragon" and getting teary-eyed every time she heard it. Meaghan Crump singing the harmony to "Taking in the Sights." I remember all the BHS Show Choir kids singing "Skyler" so loudly that Yoder could barely hear himself. I remember the night he played "Elliot" when a friend passed away. And, of course, that last show before we left for college when he played "School Together" and we knew that everything would change.

When I was 15, the only way I knew how to express myself was through song lyrics. I would spend free moments looking up the words to different songs because I knew that those lyrics would be superior to any sentences I came up with. So I found this song on Yoder's website in the Out of Circulation section called "Someone to Be Lonely With."

when I wake up at 3am, I need someone to be lonely with,
under my breath, under my skin, someone to be lonely with..

I lost my way, I lost my place, I need someone to be lonely with
a momentary fall from grace, someone to be lonely with,

I was thinking aloud, thought I’d figured it out,
now I don’t know, no, I don’t know
all the usual doubts, my mind gets cloudy
I don’t know, no, I don’t know..

but I would trade my soul, & my good name

for someone to be lonely with,

I’ve got no one but myself to blame,

I need someone to be lonely with..

I was thinking aloud, thought I’d figured it out
now I don’t know, no, I don’t know
all the usual doubts, my mind gets crowded,
I don’t know, no, I don’t know..

when I have burned my pack of days, when I have nothing left to say,
will I find love, or pine away for someone to be lonely with?

someone to be lonely with, I need someone to be lonely with…
                                                                --Brad Yoder, www.bradyoder.com

The song is about wanting to give up everything you own in order to have someone that is there to help you through all the mess of life and not knowing if that will ever happen for you. It's about hoping and praying that someone will come along that won't care about your imperfections. It's also about the confusion of figuring out what it is that you want and the uncertainty of how you go about getting it.

So as a 15 year-old, I was in heaven. All these perfect words that could finally describe what I needed in my life, blah blah blah. Needless to say, it became one of my favorite songs for the longest time (and still is), and I never understood exactly the meaning of the song. I had a standard, academic way of understanding it but I didn't know what any of it felt like.

Until now.

It's pretty publicly known now that I'm an insomniac. I mean, you can tell by the 2-3am Facebook and Twitter posts. The other night I fell asleep early and woke up at around 3am and tried not to wake Joey up. I was lying there and started thinking about that song and that I finally understood what it meant. To have someone that could be emotionally "there" for you, even when they're sound asleep. To have someone that forgave all your faults without question.

The point? We all need people we can depend on and love for different reasons. Doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. It can be a friendship, co-worker, whatever. Nevertheless, it's important to establish meaningful relationships with people that you can depend on through thick and thin. Identify what you want from others and what you're willing to give them in return. Friendship (and relationships in general) are about reciprocity. Ideally, there should be an equal give and take. That doesn't always happen, but identify your motives. Will you be okay if you feel like you're the only one putting in any effort for a period of time? What is it that you need in order to be fulfilled?

Your "Someone to Be Lonely With" can come in any form you need and may take longer than anticipated.

I waited a really long time to find Joey, but it was worth it.

Help me if you can I'm feeling down/ And I do appreciate you being round

It's been a little bit of time since I last posted. Lots of responsibilities regarding graduate school, wedding planning, film schedule, etc. has really prohibited me from accurately expressing my emotions in a creative manner. Not only that, but my better half is very busy with work so spending quality time together has been a bit of a challenge.

In this high time of stress in our lives, I've been thinking a lot about appreciation and I found this fantastic quote:

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”---JFK

Appreciation. We can appreciate the beauty of something, the talent of something, the importance of something. Then, we appreciate people: friends, family, spouses, domestic partners, etc. Why do we appreciate them and how do we show it? For me, I appreciate character traits and talents of my friends in order to learn from them in some way. Every day is a learning experience. Every second is a chance for me to better myself, improve my relationships with friends, and build a stronger relationship with my spouse. Like Kennedy said, expression of gratitude should occur by actually living your words. Words weigh more than actions.

Are we always cognizant of being appreciative of others? What prevents us from doing so? Sometimes we take things for granted, which isn't necessarily meant in a negative tone but can sometimes be perceived as so. We get into a routine, a pattern, and forget about the things that we do for others.

Joey has been incredibly supportive of me for our entire relationship. The way that I show my appreciation to him is by reciprocating that support and by helping him whenever/wherever needed. He helped me study for COMPS, so I'm helping him with his show. Sometimes though, I catch myself taking things for granted. Expressing gratitude encourages others not only to keep putting energy into a relationship, but it ensures that that person doesn't feel like they're being walked all over.

The point? Just take five minutes tomorrow to tell someone that you appreciate them. It takes a small amount of time but can have lasting effects.

Xoxox,

Leslie

Leave Your Things Behind 'Cause It's All Going Off Without You

I've been thinking a lot about resentment(s). We've been talking about it a lot with our clients. Most resentments are fueled by anger that has not been unleashed, forgotten, etc. It's amazing what people will hold onto, keep a grudge over. Resentments lead to relapse. Anger leads to unhappiness. This led me to think about past relationships (romantic and platonic) that I've had that still cause me to be angry from time to time.

So what does it mean when you are extremely happy in your life, but things, people, or situations from the past just seem to still piss you off? Does this mean that you actually care what that person thinks of you? Or that you care what those people at school said? It doesn't have to be limited to relationships. It can be a job, a church, an organization, whatever.

I decided to play a little game of Russian Roulette with my BlackBerry and called some people to see if I had "let go" of anything. Usually, I would get angry just dialing the number. I would be flooded with emotion about all the arguments, lies, knowing that person was still lying after all this time, etc.

I've been really trying to work at an honest program lately and decided to Let Go and Let God about this situation and give all of my anger to my Higher Power. I was sick of trying to be in control. I know better than that! Sick of feeling negative. Sick of relishing in the anger of the past and not reveling in the pleasantries of the present. 

So when I picked up the phone, this time was different. It was like magic...
  
I suddenly didn't care. I was so comfortable with myself that I didn't care about everything that had transpired in the past. I finally stopped being angry and made the conscious decision to always live in the present. I didn't care about that two years of my life. I didn't care about what had happened in the past. What was I even mad about? I just wanted to look forward, always.

Letting go ends up being the best decision you can make. Letting go of negativity, anger, denial, etc. It brings so much clarity. Don't hold onto things that hurt you. Don't hold a grudge because you think it will make that other person change. It never does and it never matters anyway. If you're always worrying about the future or focusing too much about what happened in the past, you're not living up to your full potential TODAY.

The point: just let go.

xoxox

Pour Myself a Cup of Ambition

So I had this conversation through Facebook chat with one of my best friends a week or so ago and she brought up a good point:

"I think the weirdest thing about being in the real world is that for four years and your whole life for that matter you are told "GO follow your dreams" blah blah blah but nobody tells you that even when you follow your dreams there are bad days at work and it may not always be what u thought it'd be, ya know? Just weird."

Often times, we build up a situation or a choice in our minds and place unrealistic expectations onto it that can sometimes be so disappointing. I've gone through this quite a number of times in my short 24 (almost 25) years of existence. Sometimes you want something to work so much, but it's not in the cards.  I wanted to be an actress for most of my life. I acted in high school, took summer workshops, performed in some shows in college, and was ready to hit the road and bounce from company to company and perform as much as possible. But I realized something after we closed Urinetown my Junior year, "I freaking hate theatre." Don't get me wrong, I've done tons of stuff with local theaters and have had a great time, but I suddenly realized that I no longer wanted to live "an actor's life." I didn't want to bounce around. I wanted to settle down. [A lot of this had to do with a boy, but that's another blog post.] So, I started teaching after graduation. I didn't like that either and ended up going back to school and becoming a therapist.

My point: There is no "life manual." How many times have you set your mind to do something or "be" something and it didn't have all the bells and whistles you thought it would? Sometimes we realize that maybe we didn't make the right choice; maybe it's time to choose a new career or a new partner.

But what if you just had a bad day? When you have a bad day at your dream job, what do you do about it? We all have bad days; no matter what. Just remember to find the joy in what you're doing. Find what moves you. Remember that even though today may suck, it's still the place that you'd rather be.

That can extend to any aspect of your life: relationships, religion, etc. If it's worth it (and it usually is), remind yourself what brought you to that decision in the first place. Always fight for what you love. (Unless it's harming you or someone else. Okay, that's the counselor in me talking.)

And if that doesn't work? When one door closes...another one opens.

Just keep swimming.

Preface

Why am I writing a blog? And more importantly, why on earth should you be interested in what I have to say? Well, here it is: I'm 24, engaged and planning a wedding, in recovery, and about to finish graduate school. So, naturally, I'm freaking out about this sudden advancement into adulthood. For those reading this that know me, this is a pretty hysterical time to be around me. I've completely lost my filter (somewhere in a pile of wedding magazines I imagine) and finally don't care about how I will possibly be judged or perceived.

I can tell that you really want to read this after I've said all that. (Go ahead and assume the sarcasm there.) Here goes nothing. I'm at a really wonderful place in my life, but there are things that I desperately want to learn, complain about, get advice on, and simply awe at. Lucky for me (and you, I guess), I'm not ashamed to say anything.

Still nothing? Okay, this is a blog about my life and the beautiful people in it. Music, books, articles, and various topics will be explored.

I can guarantee that this blog will mirror the many aspects of my personality and range from funny to sad to angry to etc.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

xoxox,

Leslie